the monday after

Finally am getting closer to what is going on with my jaw. after several doctors, all of whom wouldn't listen, it was my great neurologist that is finding answers for me.

I had needle biopsies on the mass and my thyroid. I should hear results in a couple of days. Hopefully, this week will go by faster than last week did. After learning of the questionable ct scan last Monday, I was sitting on needles and pins waiting. Waiting to see if I could get in to see the ENT surgeon and also to get the biopsy done in Charlotte while I was in town.

Thankfully, I was able to do both.

Now, all I have to do is wait.

But, I will not sit by the phone. I must make myself stay busy to make the time pass.

I will finish the birdhouses I have started. Completing a project is a good thing. And a good thing is what I need at the moment.

same shit. different year.

what do I want to say.

I’m tired. I’m happy. I’m worried. I’m content. I’m restless. I’m in love. I’m a walking contradiction.

but today is the first day in a long time that I have wanted to write anything. i’m too exhausted to do anything but lie here and feel my mind race away. so I will corral a few of those wild words on paper to calm my brain.

my brain is failing me. what a scary thought. my legs are failing me. that pisses me off. but my brain. that is something different. I can’t get the right words out. I feel as though a spider has taken residence in the cavernous space in my head and is filling it up with a wondrous and horrifying web.

MS isn’t supposed to kill you. no. it just robs you of your dignity. your pride. your strength. my armour has always been my brain. it has never let me down.

I am and will always be a fighter. I believe in myself. I believe in my doctor. I believe in modern medicine. She tells me this new medicine will be a wonderful thing. I will trust her.

I will never go gently, and I will always rage against the dying of every day.

Do you hear me?

MS will never define me nor will it take my mind or laughter.